How To Do Anything Better: Don't just be a Monster, Be a Mon-star!

Choosing a Monster Name:

In this instance, Howard doesn’t quite cut it. You want to choose something that will sound good when women scream it. I know that’s never happened to you before, but now that you’ve decided to become a monster, it will occur quite regularly. Take some time to ruminate on your personal history. Were you ever the aristocratic landowner of a little-known Romanian principality? Does your creator have a catchy, possibly Germanic-sounding last name? Have you had a long-standing association with the Devil? These are good places to start. If you are really having trouble coming up with something, try to be descriptive. Are you teal-coloured? Hairy? Putrid? Are you simply a haphazard assortment of corpse parts? Did you perhaps come from the local swamp? Consider your distinguishing monster characteristics and try to include them in your name. Here’s an example of a really good monster name: “Hitler”. It only has two syllables, is Germany-related and suggests that the monster in question might hit you if you made him really, really mad. Sorry, but it’s already in use. Luckily, “Son of Hitler” is still up for grabs.

Social Requirements:

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Monster Romance:

Your first impulse might be to join a club, go to a singles’ night or create an online personal ad, but as usual, your ideas are completely worthless. If you want a girlfriend, you’re going to have to make one yourself, so I hope you’re craft-y. You can find some lovely girlfriend making materials at Michael’s, White Rose, Lewis Craft, your neighbourhood mortuary or in the family crypt. If corpse parts are in short supply, you can find fresh corpses at nearby co-ed dorms and sorority houses. Ideally, your girlfriend should look like you but a little bit prettier and less decomposed. She is mutely tolerating conjugal relations with you so she doesn’t actually need her own name – feel free to call her “Girlfriend of [insert your monster name here]” or if you’re feeling creative, take your own monster name and give it a feminine ending like “yra,” “ira,” or “essa”. For example, the Kraken could call his lover “The Life Partner of Kraken,” “The On-Again, Off-Again Girlfriend of Kraken,” “The Friend with Benefits of Kraken” or “Krakenessa”.

Building your Horror Movie Cred:

First of all, are you a malevolent crypt creature or a misunderstood ugly person with impulse control issues? Do you intend to kill children or to attempt to rescue them and then accidentally kill them with your ham-fisted fumbling? As an aspiring monster, this is an important distinction for you to make. If you fall into category #1, you should probably begin with simple acts of evil. Put snails in your next-door neighbour’s garden, frighten her household pets or ask a demon to possess her daughter. You can slowly work your way up to terrorizing a few houses on the block and then if you’re really good, the entire development. (Contrary to popular belief, houses built on Indian graveyards are not easier to haunt. You see, while the Patel family may have occasionally felt a little testy, it is the First Nations peoples who possess the lion’s share of undead rage.) If you fall into category #2, you should start coaching Little League, join the PTA and become a Big Brother. You are a pillar of the community. Don’t be a wallflower- show all the villagers your hideous visage, moldering chest and extraneous limbs. Eventually, you will make a mistake, like interrupting someone during a MADD meeting or hitting little Jimmy with the business end of a baseball bat. Now the villagers will chase you with torches. Congratulations, you’ve become a bone-ified (haha, get it?) monster. RAWR!

The Lazy Slob’s Monorail to Monsterdom:

If all of this seems too time-intensive for you, you could settle for becoming one of ‘history’s greatest monsters’. It’s sort of a step down on the ladder because no one will ever immortalize your visage in a Halloween mask, but you will probably get an episode of A&E’s Biography as compensation. As monster of history, you don’t have to be as ugly as a genuine monster, just vaguely unpleasant-looking, ridiculous and dictatorial. It also helps if you are short.