Aquarius
You will discover hair in places where there was no hair before. Unfortunately, this is not the result of puberty. Please padlock yourself in the basement during the full moon for the safety of the villagers.
Aries
Your LASIK surgery will go off without a hitch. With your new 20/20 vision, you will discover that the life is beautiful and your wife is homely.
Taurus
Your favourite emo band decided to break up. You will spend much of the next week sobbing and wiping your snotty nose on the sleeve of your shirt.
Gemini
You should consider switching medications. Arsenic is much more effective.
Cancer
While you may not enjoy living in the bell tower, this lifestyle choice makes it more difficult for
You will discover hair in places where there was no hair before. Unfortunately, this is not the result of puberty. Please padlock yourself in the basement during the full moon for the safety of the villagers.
Aries
Your LASIK surgery will go off without a hitch. With your new 20/20 vision, you will discover that the life is beautiful and your wife is homely.
Taurus
Your favourite emo band decided to break up. You will spend much of the next week sobbing and wiping your snotty nose on the sleeve of your shirt.
Gemini
You should consider switching medications. Arsenic is much more effective.
Cancer
While you may not enjoy living in the bell tower, this lifestyle choice makes it more difficult for
people to pelt you with rotting vegetables. This week try to stay clear of gypsy enchantresses.
Leo
If it makes you feel any better, your bark is only somewhat worse than your overbite.
Virgo
As Venus enters your sign mid-month you may feel unusually frisky. If you consult your doctor, she’ll probably recommend that you stop eating so much cat food.
Libra
Next week, you will accidentally donate money to charity when all you really wanted was to buy an overpriced chocolate bar.
Scorpio
Your brooding, temperamental serial killer persona conceals your inner temperamental, brooding serial killer. You’re kind of the Russian nesting doll of the Zodiac.
Sagittarius
Tomorrow morning, you will discover that your brains have migrated to your breasts.You will acquire many friends who will want to hug you all the time.
Capricorn
On the 12th of this month, you will win at Monopoly. Sadly, you will still be poor and sober people will persist in not wanting to have sex with you. Even when you’re playing as the car.
Aquarius
In the coming weeks, you will wish that you hadn’t dropped the soap.
Pisces
Mars will enter your sign’s fifth house tomorrow and steal your new flatscreen TV.
Leo
If it makes you feel any better, your bark is only somewhat worse than your overbite.
Virgo
As Venus enters your sign mid-month you may feel unusually frisky. If you consult your doctor, she’ll probably recommend that you stop eating so much cat food.
Libra
Next week, you will accidentally donate money to charity when all you really wanted was to buy an overpriced chocolate bar.
Scorpio
Your brooding, temperamental serial killer persona conceals your inner temperamental, brooding serial killer. You’re kind of the Russian nesting doll of the Zodiac.
Sagittarius
Tomorrow morning, you will discover that your brains have migrated to your breasts.You will acquire many friends who will want to hug you all the time.
Capricorn
On the 12th of this month, you will win at Monopoly. Sadly, you will still be poor and sober people will persist in not wanting to have sex with you. Even when you’re playing as the car.
Aquarius
In the coming weeks, you will wish that you hadn’t dropped the soap.
Pisces
Mars will enter your sign’s fifth house tomorrow and steal your new flatscreen TV.
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