Another Imaginary Holiday: The Feast of St. Boyardee

A tradition first drawn from the Gregorian calendar, the Feast of St. Boyardee commemorates a Christian martyr who survived repeated crucifixions, beheadings and immolations on the part of cruel Roman legionaries. At last, his portly body corroded after being enclosed in a particularly acidic vat of the Emperor’s own tomato sauce. Celebrants pay homage to the courage of Boyardee by eating microwavable beefaroni, cannelloni and ravoli slathered in a fine tomato paste.