Aries
On Wednesday morning, you will discover a hidden talent. Unfortunately, spontaneous vomiting is not a particularly marketable skill.
Taurus
The SS Relationship just hit an iceberg, and I’ll afraid that there aren’t enough lifeboats to go around. You will drown in booze and your own despondency. And also in the kiddie pool.
Gemini
Born under the sign of the twins, a Gemini contains two distinct personalities in a single body. Sadly, neither of these personalities is likeable. This week, people will actively avoid talking to you.
Cancer
Your psychiatrist will rebuff all your come-ons. She’d probably be more receptive if you’d stop leaving your feces in a little bag on her desk and telling her your dreams about having sex with anime characters.
Leo
You have the courage of a lion and the personal culpability of a lemming. This week you
will be presented with a golden opportunity to juggle machetes, flaming torches and a
newborn baby while astride a unicycle. Have fun with it.
Virgo
You may be having a baby or you may just be getting gut fat. Either way, your boyfriend is feeling rather morose.
Libra
This week, you will disappoint your friends by opting out of exciting weekend plans. It’s a shame because that suicide pact sounded like a total blast.
Scorpio
Seize the day, not your boss’ ass.
Sagittarius
You will forget how to spell your own name. This is par for the course.
Capricorn
You will murder your father and marry your mother. This is not a good week to buy
yourself new prescription lenses.
On Wednesday morning, you will discover a hidden talent. Unfortunately, spontaneous vomiting is not a particularly marketable skill.
Taurus
The SS Relationship just hit an iceberg, and I’ll afraid that there aren’t enough lifeboats to go around. You will drown in booze and your own despondency. And also in the kiddie pool.
Gemini
Born under the sign of the twins, a Gemini contains two distinct personalities in a single body. Sadly, neither of these personalities is likeable. This week, people will actively avoid talking to you.
Cancer
Your psychiatrist will rebuff all your come-ons. She’d probably be more receptive if you’d stop leaving your feces in a little bag on her desk and telling her your dreams about having sex with anime characters.
Leo
You have the courage of a lion and the personal culpability of a lemming. This week you
will be presented with a golden opportunity to juggle machetes, flaming torches and a
newborn baby while astride a unicycle. Have fun with it.
Virgo
You may be having a baby or you may just be getting gut fat. Either way, your boyfriend is feeling rather morose.
Libra
This week, you will disappoint your friends by opting out of exciting weekend plans. It’s a shame because that suicide pact sounded like a total blast.
Scorpio
Seize the day, not your boss’ ass.
Sagittarius
You will forget how to spell your own name. This is par for the course.
Capricorn
You will murder your father and marry your mother. This is not a good week to buy
yourself new prescription lenses.
No comments:
Post a Comment