The Future Hates You: Ass-trology with Swami Greg, #4

Aries

Your lover wants to take your relationship to a new level of commitment.Read the restraining order slowly and carefully before you rip it up.

Taurus

You need some space right now, but soon you’ll come crawling back on your belly. Luckily, your sweetheart will be waiting just 500 meters away.

Gemini

You will take a long-awaited vacation in your dad’s fall-out shelter. While you may be a little bit hurt that your parents locked the door, the creamed corn will taste great.

Cancer

Did you know that Cancers are entirely immune to cancer? Sadly, they have a natural predisposition to being murdered by cancer patients. Avoid visiting hospital wards this week.

Leo

It’s a good idea to learn from past mistakes. If only you could remember how you gave yourself amnesia the first two times.

Virgo

Your mom’s birthday is coming up this week. Give her a considerate present, like a dish cloth or that ironing board you never use.

Libra

Your best friend is a whore. Most especially because he keeps refusing to have sex with you.

Scorpio

Your new job will provide you with exhilarating travel opportunities. Just be careful swallowing those coke balloons.

Sagittarius
Tomorrow, your dog will stand up on its hind-legs and take you for “walksies”. Fear the rolled-up newspaper headed on a collision course with your cocked ears and lovably tilted head. The words, “Baaaaad! Baaaad!” will strike terror into your heart.

Capricorn

A recent family visit reminds you that there really is no place like home. Except maybe an institution for the criminally insane.

Aquarius

You may feel that nudity is a natural state of being, but your neighbours feel that watching you play ping-pong is making them queasy.

Pisces

This week you will attend a workshop to improve your self-esteem. You will learn to love and cherish yourself. Everyone else there will fucking hate your guts.