STEP 1:
Enumerate your friend’s previous mistakes in judgment. Observe that he possesses the decision-making capabilities of a six-year-old with fetal alcohol syndrome who has just discovered his stepdad’s stash of expired fireworks. This lecture is even more effective when accompanied by a Powerpoint slideshow.
STEP 2:
The key words here are: DRASTIC ACTION. Thought and reflection are for people who live in the Himalayas making sand art. For your convenience, I have complied a list of some good ways to solve problems:
- substance abuse
- avoidance
- a pyramid scheme
- gambling with other people’s money
- threatening suicide
- attempting suicide for sympathy
- conducting a successful suicide
- insurance fraud
- conducting a quest for the Holy Grail
- writing a tell-all memoir
- starting a government commission
- dueling
- having meaningless sex
- having meaningful sex
- spinning a web of comical, contradictory and easily disprovable lies
- running away from home
- passing the buck
- send in the clones and let doppleganger antics ensue
- revenge
- murder
- murder motivated by a desire for revenge
- a sham marriage
- lighting your house on fire and walking away, your newly liberated silhouette outlined by the rising flames
Despite this extensive range of problem-solving options, some people insist on aggravating a crisis situation by doing crazy stuff like “talking it out,” “seeing a therapist” or “ignoring my wise friend’s life-changing advice”. Some people are idiots.
STEP 3:
Make sure that your friend follows your advice to the letter. Great advice-givers like Svengali never let their subjects wade into the piranha-packed Lake of Personal Autonomy or stumble through shifting sands in the Desert of Self-Sufficiency. Hopefully it won’t come to this but if necessary you may have to stick your arm up your friend’s ass and make his mouth say what is required.
STEP 4:
Don’t be afraid to say “I told you so”. In fact, you should probably say it a couple of times, so that you’re sure your friend heard you.
Enumerate your friend’s previous mistakes in judgment. Observe that he possesses the decision-making capabilities of a six-year-old with fetal alcohol syndrome who has just discovered his stepdad’s stash of expired fireworks. This lecture is even more effective when accompanied by a Powerpoint slideshow.
STEP 2:
The key words here are: DRASTIC ACTION. Thought and reflection are for people who live in the Himalayas making sand art. For your convenience, I have complied a list of some good ways to solve problems:
- substance abuse
- avoidance
- a pyramid scheme
- gambling with other people’s money
- threatening suicide
- attempting suicide for sympathy
- conducting a successful suicide
- insurance fraud
- conducting a quest for the Holy Grail
- writing a tell-all memoir
- starting a government commission
- dueling
- having meaningless sex
- having meaningful sex
- spinning a web of comical, contradictory and easily disprovable lies
- running away from home
- passing the buck
- send in the clones and let doppleganger antics ensue
- revenge
- murder
- murder motivated by a desire for revenge
- a sham marriage
- lighting your house on fire and walking away, your newly liberated silhouette outlined by the rising flames
Despite this extensive range of problem-solving options, some people insist on aggravating a crisis situation by doing crazy stuff like “talking it out,” “seeing a therapist” or “ignoring my wise friend’s life-changing advice”. Some people are idiots.
STEP 3:
Make sure that your friend follows your advice to the letter. Great advice-givers like Svengali never let their subjects wade into the piranha-packed Lake of Personal Autonomy or stumble through shifting sands in the Desert of Self-Sufficiency. Hopefully it won’t come to this but if necessary you may have to stick your arm up your friend’s ass and make his mouth say what is required.
STEP 4:
Don’t be afraid to say “I told you so”. In fact, you should probably say it a couple of times, so that you’re sure your friend heard you.
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