Bush League Politickin'

When George W. Bush was first elected to office, I have to admit I was more bemused than appalled. On a purely intellectual level, I knew it was bad, bad news, but I couldn’t help but feel a surge of gleeful anticipation, similar to what one might feel watching a monkey drive a car or a small child play with a box of matches in a gas station rest stop. Whereas Al Gore could be counted on to display wearisome levels of adequacy, Bush’s slack-jawed idiocy and difficulty conjugating the most basic English verbs seemed like the best show in town. I figured that the White House staff would baby-sit him for the obligatory four years, make sure he didn’t choke to death on any pretzels or have a brain aneurysm trying to spell Mississippi or do a line of coke off the edge of the Lincoln Memorial.

And okay, they succeeded in most respects, but they forgot one thing, the cardinal rule of the extended “Take Your Kid to Work Day” that has been Bush’s two-term presidency: don’t let him DO anything! He is supposed to sit behind the big desk, play with the colored Post-its and keep quiet while the grown-ups do grown-up things like international diplomacy. While it may be cute to hear toddlers and presidential candidates mispronounce ‘blankie,’ ‘jihad’ or ‘weapons of mass destruction,’ it is not so adorable when they’re bombing countries that they probably couldn’t find on a map without Condi Rice’s helpful hand gestures.

The incompetence of the Bush administration has already merited many shelves full of books, so I’ll stick to the latest nonsense, Wednesday’s televised presidential address. The address was filmed in the White House library, which explains why Bush looked so frightened and disoriented. Close proximity to words with four or more syllables causes the poor darling to break out in hives. Mind you, I commend him for wearing the Blue Tie of Conservative Compassion rather than the Red Tie of Compassionate Conservatism, a.k.a. The Sartorial Jackboot in the Face. The soothing oceanic tones of the tie and the GPS console tones of his voice almost made me forget the word vomit spewing from his mouth. But as much as I adore denial, there is no ignoring the fact that the new strategy in Iraq basically amounts to throwing money and human lives at a mess that needs long-term care. Can an extra 21,500 troops save the debacle that is the war on terror, bringing the delights of democracy and a fair vote to the Iraq’s citizenry? Nobody has been able to do it in Florida as of late, but the huddled masses in Palm Beach have high hopes.

Before Bush and Co. get started on their Extreme Home Makeover: Iraqi Freedom Edition, maybe they should try and cobble together at least one semi-decent political speech. Contrary to what one might think, yoking abstract nouns like “freedom,” “peace,” or “opportunity” together with a conjunction does not stirring rhetoric make. At this point, the word “liberty” has become virtually meaningless and the fact it comes with a side order of “prosperity” does not whet anyone’s appetite.

In addition, the repeated use of the phrase, “The American People” only acerbates the trite and uninspired nature of the language and the solutions that the Bush government is trying to shill to its constituencies. First of all, isn’t it all dreadfully redundant? I always assumed that Americans were people. Are there some Americans who aren’t people? That’s sort of scary…are they like, talking cats or something? In addition, the phrase attempts to construct a false sense of unity among a disparate populace who should be celebrated for their diversity, for the fact that they do not speak with one voice, and thankfully, do not speak with the voice of George W. Bush. It tries to meld a plurality into a single patriotic automaton. I like and respect Americans, but “The American People” seem absolutely insufferable, prancing about in the glorious rag of manifest destiny, tossing freedom around like confetti, and blowing sunshine and daisies out of their assholes.

I have learned a valuable lesson from eight years of this bush league political bullshit and it is that we should all stop voting for the candidate who will be funny to watch in Daily Show clips. Sadly, this means that I will have to give up my longtime support of Stockwell Day and his Sea-Doo for Prime Minister of Canada. In future elections, I will vote only for credible, worthwhile candidates, true visionaries, people with natural authority, gravitas and leadership acumen. The ability to divert asteroids from a collision course with Earth would be duly impressive. In case you haven’t figured it out yet, next time around I’m totally casting my vote for Morgan Freeman.