How To Do Anything Better: BLAM! POW! SHAZAAM! The Superhero Edition.

Secret Identities

You know when your mother tells you just to “go out there and be yourself”? Your secret identity is the kind of person that your mom is actually envisioning when she says that – affable, obliging, sweet, frequently hapless and bespectacled, asexual and not surprisingly, pathologically unable to get laid. You should also have an unremarkable but easy to pronounce and possibly alliterative name. It will roll trippingly off the tongue whenever people reject or humiliate you. Inevitably, these bullies will be completely oblivious to the fact that you look exactly like their favorite superhero, probably because you part your hair to the left.

Sidekicks

A sidekick needs two skills: looking less heroic than you and stating the blatantly obvious. If he can do both at once without putting an eye out, he’s an instant legend. To prevent the infinitesimal possibility of your sidekick outshining you, you are well-advised to give him or her the most ridiculous name imaginable and a costume befitting a rodeo clown. A valuable tool for exposition, the sidekick is also a great door-stop, coat-hanger or ottoman. Should your sidekick die, whether he was murdered by a super-villain or suffered a tragic accident while feeding your electric eels, you’ll also have another wonderful excuse for vigilante crime-fighting.

Romance

You’re looking for someone rather dim and possibly clinically blind. Sorry, dear, but your costume just isn’t all that convincing. Maybe if you dressed as a woman? Anyway, your stupid, myopic hottie should be unattainable or about as personable as a wolverine. But don’t actually date Wolverine. He has intimacy issues.

Dealing with Villains

Villains usually fall into one of two categories: scrawny evil genius or hulking destructive dolt. The scrawny evil genius will generally be insidious in his methods, engaging in practices such as pitting you against your dark side (whether metaphorical or actually a black-costumed version of yourself), kidnapping your clinically blind lady friends, poisoning the city’s water supply or leading you through the twisty labyrinth of your mind using riddles, puns, secret codes and old Trivial Pursuit questions. The scrawny evil genius’ fatal flaw is human resources and employee training. Being nefarious gives one very little time to engage in efficient hiring practices and so he is willing to hire thugs and assassins without interviews or proper references. When his staff inevitably fails him by succumbing to your karate chops and Korean murder pinches, all he has left to defend himself with is a death ray and a few syllogisms.

Meanwhile, the destructive dolt is very good at picking up six-storey buildings and throwing them at you. His main problems are those of planning and economics. Unlike the scrawny evil genius who is a charismatic multi-millionaire Rhodes scholar/nuclear physicist/champion polo player with a summer house in the Hamptons and several Vermeers in the basement, the destructive dolt is more likely to be an unemployed docks worker. He does not read The Iliad aloud in the original Greek whilst feeding his enemies’ bloated corpses to a pack of mastiffs named after the Muses. His idea of a great evil scheme can be summed in two words connected by an ampersand: “Smash & grab”. Luckily for him, he is very good at both smashing and grabbing. This is a good time to recycle those Trivial Pursuit questions, reducing the poor lunk to tears of frustration as he tries to remember the names of the original cast members of “Three’s Company”.

Costuming

You want primary colours if possible – a secondary hue indicates that you are a secondary character or a villain. You will also need to get a costume that doesn’t cling to your groin too much unless you want people to mistake you for an exile from the American Ballet Theatre. If you are a woman, one of your superpowers will likely involve possessing a pair of massive, gravity-defying cans so you don’t need to worry about a bra. Well, unless you’re some perky little Batgirl type and then I’m sorry, bitch, but you kind of got shafted. The best superheroes know how to accessorize. How are you supposed to roll with the Justice League if you don’t have cool utility belt, a fanny pack and maybe some kick-ass cufflinks that throw sparks? You’ll have to go back to sitting on the unpopular side of the cafeteria, sharing bologna sandwiches with the Fantastic Four and Aquaman. Do you really want to spend anymore time with those fucking dolphins? I didn’t think so.