Aries: You come into a small wind-fall early in the month. Yes, for a few shining minutes, your escape the discomfort and embarrassment of uncontrollable flatulence.
Taurus: Your attempts to be likeable only succeed in making others despise you. Accept that you will die alone and be hastily buried by indifferent strangers in an unmarked grave.
Gemini: Your mom was right: you will get hairy palms from excess masturbation. It also may not have been such a good idea to lube up with Rogaine.
Cancer: You will lose approximately eight pounds of excess body weight. Don’t worry; decapitation by guillotine is fast, relatively painless and doesn’t require any aerobics.
Leo: In this low-budget porno called Life, you think you’re “talent” when really you’re just another fluffer.
Virgo: Put down the riding crop and pick up the bullwhip. It’s time to get serious about your career future.
Libra: I’ll let you in on a little secret: when a trench-coated stranger offers you a “magic carpet ride”, it really won’t be what you were hoping for.
Scorpio: The life of a kamikaze pilot is fraught with danger, but mainly that of killing oneself.
Sagittarius: Inner beauty is what is really most important in this world. You should probably hurry out and buy some eye-shadow for your soul.
Capricorn: Why does God let bad things happen? I'm just working on a hunch, but maybe he thinks you’re an asshole too.
Taurus: Your attempts to be likeable only succeed in making others despise you. Accept that you will die alone and be hastily buried by indifferent strangers in an unmarked grave.
Gemini: Your mom was right: you will get hairy palms from excess masturbation. It also may not have been such a good idea to lube up with Rogaine.
Cancer: You will lose approximately eight pounds of excess body weight. Don’t worry; decapitation by guillotine is fast, relatively painless and doesn’t require any aerobics.
Leo: In this low-budget porno called Life, you think you’re “talent” when really you’re just another fluffer.
Virgo: Put down the riding crop and pick up the bullwhip. It’s time to get serious about your career future.
Libra: I’ll let you in on a little secret: when a trench-coated stranger offers you a “magic carpet ride”, it really won’t be what you were hoping for.
Scorpio: The life of a kamikaze pilot is fraught with danger, but mainly that of killing oneself.
Sagittarius: Inner beauty is what is really most important in this world. You should probably hurry out and buy some eye-shadow for your soul.
Capricorn: Why does God let bad things happen? I'm just working on a hunch, but maybe he thinks you’re an asshole too.
Aquarius: This week does not bode well for any ventures involving LSD, a golf cart and a vat of nitroglycerine. Try again later.
Pisces: Born under the sign of the Fish, you are sensitive, caring and artistic. You also live out of a shopping cart and smell like sardines.
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