The Future Hates You: Ass-trology with Swami Greg

Aries
That itching and discomfort? It’s not a venereal disease. It’s just the fleas waltzing with the lice. The eve of the new moon is a good time to disinfect your pants.

Taurus
You will fall in love with someone who isn’t good enough for you.
Knowing this, he or she will treat you like shit.

Gemini
You will find someone stupid enough to love you. This is good time to unleash your inner asshole. This is basically your usual personality with 61% more putting your feet up on the kitchen table.

Cancer
Your friends will throw you a surprise party. The surprise will be that you have no friends and that you’re kind of an alcoholic.

Leo
I hope you’ve had your tetanis shot.

Virgo
Believe it or not, edible undies have an expiration date. Check the crotch.

Libra
The plastic surgery will be a glorious success, although the ‘Made by Mattel’ stamp on your foot will unnerve your pedicurist.

Scorpio
You won’t be able to get it up. No one will bat an eye.

Sagittarius
A man will tell you, “This has never happened before.” He’s lying. Your vibrator is also out of batteries.

Capricorn
You’re not paranoid. People really are trying to poison you. They’re not doing it for the money so much as for the glory

Aquarius
The 28th will be a lucky day. You will be crushed by grain elevator. It’s like the world won the lottery.

Pisces
This week your welfare check will arrive early, your drug dealer will arrive late and your period won’t show up at all. At some point, you will eat a bag of Cheetos.